miércoles, agosto 17, 2005

Hoy quiero perderme en una isla desierta

La segunda parte de lo anterior queda pendiente. Hoy ha sido el día que alcanzé mi límite. Quiero perderme, desaparecer, sin que afecte nada en el mundo....así estaría tranquila, sin pensar en todas las cosas pendientes y las cosas que debí dejar pendientes o definitivamente borrar.
Los miercoles son un día que siempre han tenido la mala suerte de estar marcados como funestos....peor aún si son nublados. Hoy sueno pesimista, pero en realidad el único modo de sacarlo de mi sistema es ponerlo aquí. Es que quiero saber si estoy loca o en realidad tengo razón en las cosas que me atormentan en días como hoy. Es que todo se junta y el día estaba perfecto para el estallido. No un estallido dramático, sino más bien pasivo, introspectivo.

Todo comenzó, bueno todo comenzó mucho antes en realidad, pero lo actual comenzó el día en que tuvieron la brillante idea de asignarme un horario con dos entradas a clase a las 8 de la mañana y dos de salida a las 8 de la tarde. Si fuera sólo eso estaría de acuerdo. Pero no. Tengo que ir y volver varias veces. El día cumbre del agotamiento es el miércoles, que entro y salgo a las 8. Que lindo.

Así con mucha fuerza me dije hoy por la mañana: " iré con ánimo a clases y nada me detendrá de un día constructivo". Ehhmm. No. Fue un gran "NO" del destino. Y parece que se repitió todo el día.

Claro, no me pasaron muchas cosas malas, pero el cansancio me pone a pensar en cada pequeña cosa desagradable. Luego tenemos una graaaaan bola de nieve de problemas.

Por primera vez me fui colgando de la puerta de una micro. Generalmente mi sentido de supervivencia me detiene de hacerlo, pero hoy fue imperativo o no llegaría a Gramática Sincrónica.

Llegué tarde pero pude entrar, menos mal. Y pude enchufarme en la materia. Esta clase a esta hora no me beneficia para nada. Prefiero tener en esta sección, pero el horario, el clima, ¡EL SUEÑO! me están destruyendo. Aunque mi tocaya Ximena Munizaga me anime con su ranking musical, no podría estar totalmente lúcida a esa hora. Sigo soñando sentada. Y mi mano escribe, pero en mi cabeza suceden otros procesos complejos, distintos de la gramática(uno de mis grandes misterios, por supuesto). Lo peor es que cuando por fin estoy enfocada en la clase, se termina. Pero eso no es motivo para bajonearme.

Tal vez es que estoy tan cansada...En todo caso me conozco. Sé que es un pequeño minuto de estrés. Se me olvidan las cosas, y estoy con lata de todo. Lo bueno, es que no es nada vocacional, en eso estoy clara, al fin. Pero mi relación con el mundo me descoloca.

Hoy decía " estoy mucho más madura que hace 3 años, nunca volvería a hacer las cosas de antes, ahora soy mas controlada". Pero como decía, la vida me deparaba una vez más un "NO" es más, yo sola me respondí al pensar que en el fondo soy la misma y seguiré toda mi vida vulnerable a esos errores, por algo soy humana. Pero con lo cansada que estoy y con eso de que vendieron mi universidad (lo cual me tomó por sorpresa)comienzo a preguntarme sobre eso, luego acerca si soy demásiado exagerada al preocuparme tanto por las cosas, luego acerca de si soy muy patética por haber sentido que me he superado y que nada me puede derribar ahora, cuando sé, estoy segura que cuando estoy arriba en cualquier aspecto es cuando estoy más vulnerable.

Los días nublados me ponen así, me dan ganas de gritar porque siento que no me hago entender, que no saco nada con hablar y hablar, por que estoy taaaan adormecida hoy que no atino a unir una palabra con otra coherentemente cada cierto intervalo de tiempo. Es más ya no sé ni lo que estaba escribiendo.

Quiero un poquito de paz, alejarme del mundo, respirar un poquito, para ver las cosas más claramente, aunque detenerme en mi marcha incesante signifique dejar la productividad de lado. Y no quiero sentirme culpable. Aunque ahora me siento culpable, porque no fui a Modern English Literature (con suerte puedo pensar algo en español es este instante), y estoy aqui sentada escuchando canciones de musicales y escribiendo en mi blog, casi inconsciente.

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